Becoming the Man Women Pursue
Women tend to be most drawn to men they feel they have to win. This page explains why, and lists 20 habits that make you that kind of man, without playing hard to get or acting like a jerk.
Why challenge attracts
- People value what they had to earn. If a man seems more invested than she is early on, interest fades.
- A man who isn't easily won over must have options and not be desperate, and neediness is a turn-off.
- Research the author cites: women on first dates are less drawn to overly eager men; "nice" only becomes "too nice" when it's all a man offers; and unpredictability releases more dopamine.
Don't fake it
Playing it cool, acting aloof or throwing insults is a performance that reinforces your insecurity. Women eventually see through it, and it mostly attracts people who enjoy drama. The real answer is to raise your own value until you honestly believe you're a catch, and start asking what you want in a woman ("be the buyer, not the seller").
20 habits of a man worth pursuing
- Keep your options open. Fixating on one prospect makes you terrified of losing her, and it shows. Dating more than one person early on is normal.
- Take more chances. Message, talk to people everywhere, go to events, ask for numbers. Abundance changes how you act.
- Don't agree with everything. Faking shared tastes looks like trying too hard. Be curious about her interests instead.
- Don't be afraid to disagree. Respectfully. It shows you're secure, and her reaction tells you if you're compatible.
- Compliment only what's earned: her wit, drive, courage or kindness. Constant compliments lose their value.
- Hold her to your standards. Ask the deeper, more personal questions that matter to you.
- Don't buy affection. A drink or a sensible dinner, yes; lavish gifts for someone you barely know, no.
- Let her talk. Listen more, don't rush to fill silences. The person who talks least often comes across as most confident.
- Slow down the romance. Don't plan the future on date one. Be curious, have fun.
- …but show you're interested. Flirt, touch, hold eye contact, lead. She knows a date isn't a friendship audition.
- Talk about your passions with passion, and explain them in relatable ways.
- Build a social life you enjoy: classes, sport, hosting, meetups.
- Have female friends and go out with them. It signals that people enjoy your company.
- Don't brag. Let her discover your achievements through her own questions.
- Use open, relaxed body language.
- Get in shape and dress well. It shows you invest in yourself, and expect the same of others.
- No ultimatums. Pressure looks controlling. If you want exclusivity, say so calmly, and let her choose.
- Stop chasing women who don't invest. Cancelled plans and ignored texts are an answer. Try two or three times, then walk away.
- Don't be endlessly available. Offer a couple of times that work; you have your own life.
- Don't try to prove yourself. When teased ("you're short", "you're too young"), joke, exaggerate or tease back rather than justify. Being unshaken is attractive.
The point
Women chasing you is a by-product, not the goal. Do all this because you want a better life for yourself.
See also
Summary of an article from Nick Notas' dating blog (2014).