Common Shit Tests

A field guide to the most common shit tests (also called fitness tests): teasing or challenging questions, often half-joking, that check whether you get flustered. For each one: what she says, the weak response, and better ways to handle it. The example replies are written for this page. Use your own words.

If a test isn't listed, two moves almost always work: agree and amplify (exaggerate it to absurdity) or ignore it and carry on. Whether something is a test depends on her tone and context. Sometimes "what do you do?" is just a question. Deliver everything with a smile. It's play, not hostility. See Shit Tests 101.

The tests

"I'm mad at you!": Weak: "Why? What did I do? How can I make it up to you?"; Better: "Good, you're cute when you're grumpy." / "Uh oh. Do I need a lawyer?"
"How many girls have you been with?": Weak: an honest, nervous number.; Better: "Today, or all-time?" / "I lost count after the first one." / "A gentleman never tells. Neither do I."
"Do you do this with every girl?": Weak: "No, you're special!"; Better: "Only on Tuesdays." / "You're my practice round."
"You look like a player.": Weak: "Me? No way!"; Better: "Thank you, I've been working on the look." / "Why, are you recruiting?"
"I have a boyfriend.": Weak: apologise and leave immediately.; Better: "Great, he can be our designated driver." / "That's fine, I'm not the jealous type." Then carry on the conversation and let her decide. If she clearly isn't interested, leave graciously.
"We're not sleeping together.": Weak: "Oh, I never thought we would…"; Better: "Wow, slow down, we only just met." / "Get your mind out of the gutter."
"Do I look fat / pretty / old?": Weak: a flood of reassurance.; Better: an obviously absurd, smiling exaggeration that shows you're not rattled, then move on.
"What do you do?": Weak: a long, dull job description.; Better: "Guess." / "I'm a professional penguin tester." Then give the real answer, briefly and with some passion.
"How old are you?" / "You're too young for me.": Better: "I'm 97. Good skincare." / "Don't worry, I'll go easy on you."
"Can you buy me a drink / hold this?": Weak: "Sure, no problem!" You've just volunteered as her assistant.; Better: "Nice try." / "What's in it for me?"
"Is that a line?": Weak: "No! I don't have lines!"; Better: "Yep, practised it all morning. How did I do?"
"Aww, that was sweet.": Weak: "Anything for you!"; Better: "Don't get used to it."
"Do you have a girlfriend?": Better: "A girlfriend?" (with a raised eyebrow) / "Why, are you applying?"

The tests

See also