Stop Trying To Be Happy

Mark Manson's argument that happiness isn't something you get by chasing it. It's a side effect of living in line with who you want to become.

Happiness is inhabited, not obtained

If you have to try to be cool, you're not cool. Emotions aren't achieved; you just live them. An angry person doesn't wonder "Am I angry enough?", and a confident person doesn't check whether he's confident. Happiness works the same way: it follows when the rest of your life is in order. You can't buy it or learn it in a course, whatever the marketing says.

Happiness isn't pleasure

Most people chasing happiness are really chasing pleasure: food, sex, entertainment, new things, popularity. Pleasure is great but not enough. Ask an addict, or someone who wrecked their family for an affair. Research suggests people focused on material and superficial pleasure end up more anxious and less happy over time.

Happiness doesn't mean lowering expectations

A popular story says young people are unhappy because they were told they're special. Manson disagrees. A friend risked his savings on a business that failed, and is happier for it: he learned what he wanted and found a job he loves. Being able to fail and still value the experience is a building block of happiness. So raise your expectations, enjoy the process of chasing them, and learn from falling short.

Happiness isn't constant positivity

The person who's relentlessly cheerful whatever happens is often quite dysfunctional. Denying negative emotions makes them deeper and longer-lasting. Bad things happen; feel the emotions, and express them in healthy ways that fit your values (be angry without hitting anyone).

Happiness is becoming your ideal self

Finishing a marathon beats eating cake. Raising a child beats winning a video game. Building a struggling business with friends beats buying a new computer. These are hard, even painful, yet they're the most meaningful things we do, because they move us toward who we want to be. That's why some people find meaning in hardship and others feel empty at a party.

This also explains why "trying" to be happy backfires: needing to try means you're not living as your ideal self. And it's why happiness always seems just around the corner. Your ideal self keeps moving a few steps ahead, from musician to film composer to screenwriter. What matters is that you keep moving toward it.

The advice

Imagine who you want to be, then take a step toward it, any step (see The "Do Something" Principle). Let go of needing the dream to come true. It's just there to get you moving. Stop trying to be happy, and just live.