Why Some Dreams Should Not Be Pursued

Mark Manson pushes back on the modern gospel of "always follow your dreams". Some dreams are better left as fantasies, because fantasies have no consequences, and reality does.

The "follow your dreams" culture

Advertising, self-help and "lifestyle design" all promise that creating your ideal life is salvation, and that staying in a conventional one is failure. The same goes for romance: fall in love and live happily ever after. The hidden assumption is that you deserve your dreams and they'll finally make you happy. Manson says this is largely a cultural belief, not a truth.

Why fantasies are different

Researchers on sexual fantasy (for example Daniel Bergner's What Women Want) note that many people enjoy fantasies, including ones about losing control, that they'd never want to happen in real life. The appeal is feeling something intense safely. In one story from the book, a woman's friends arranged for her long-held fantasy to play out for real, and when the moment came she stopped it and left. The same applies to dreams generally: in your head you get the thrill, the success and the pride without the risk or the hard work.

Sometimes wanting is better than having

Manson fantasised for years about being a rock star. He realised he loved the image (the stage, the crowd) but not the process (practice, rehearsals, booking gigs, hauling gear). Deeper down, the fantasy was really about feeling appreciated, and as his relationships improved it faded. See The Most Important Question of Your Life.

Reality is always messy

Marilyn Manson closed an album with the line "When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed". Having achieved fame and fortune, he was more miserable than ever. Even the "digital nomad" dream of working while travelling comes with its own unexpected problems. Achieving a dream doesn't end your problems. It swaps them for new ones, sometimes better, sometimes worse.

How to tell what's worth pursuing

Love the process, not the result. If the work is drudgery now, it'll still be drudgery after the promotion.
Check your motive. Is it genuine enthusiasm, or compensation for an unmet need? (He fantasised about the cheering crowds, never about writing songs, which told him something.)

None of this is anti-ambition. It's a call for caution. As David Foster Wallace pointed out, many of the world's quiet heroes live simple, unremarkable, satisfying lives.

A cautionary story

A friend fell for a woman he'd met briefly abroad and, after months of long-distance messaging, flew her to a beach resort for a romantic week. Manson warned him he'd fallen for a fantasy, not a person he actually knew. By day two, reality hit and she suggested they just be friends. Within days the "woman like no other" had become "immature" and "unappreciative" in his eyes. She hadn't changed. He'd just finally met the real her, instead of the one he'd imagined.